Swing

I miss you. I fucking miss you. I miss your eyes. I miss the way you look at me. I miss how you don’t like wearing your glasses. I miss your lips. I miss your kisses. I miss the way you’d wake me up when I fell asleep while you were driving. I’m sorry I was too tired to stay awake. I miss your hands. I miss holding them. I miss being called smellz and love. I miss calling you weird and love. I miss you telling me that you miss me. I miss going to stores with you. I miss walking around toys r us and best buy. I miss going to walnut creek every friday to do the same shit. I miss eating burgers and fries and drinking soda. I miss sharing cough drops with you. I miss doing stupid stuff that couples probably don’t do. I miss tickling you. I miss when you’d ask me for a kiss. I miss how you’d smell me. I miss you smelling my hair. I miss you smelling my sweater. I miss your sweater. I miss sleeping with pooh. I miss sleeping with you next to me. I miss you. I miss going to spots with you. I miss the elementary school. I miss the bridge. I miss ninth street. I miss the memories we made. I miss taking pictures of you because I don’t like being in them. I miss looking at you weird because you make racist jokes. I miss switching off paying for each other. I miss not being cool enough to know who lil b is. I miss saying hi. I miss you. I fucking miss you. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I loved you enough. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you what I loved about you. I love your smile because it tells me that you’re happy. I love your laugh and your humor. I love the way you held me. I love it when you tickle me even though I say I don’t like it. I fucking miss you. I miss you. I love you. I love your spirit. You don’t care what people think about you and you do what you want. I love that you’re caring. You make sure the people around you are okay. I loved the way you told me everything that you loved about me. I miss you. I miss you calling me to tell me that you’re outside to pick me up. I miss going out and doing nothing. I miss the backseat of your car. I miss scratching your head. I miss fighting with you when I want to sleep. I miss waiting for 11 o’clock as if I was waiting for my birthday every night. I hate 11 o’clock. I hate hearing trains. I hate looking at the stars. I hate looking at venus. I hate fridays. I hate burgers and fries and soda. I hate sitting down. I hate lying down. I hate being alone. I hate love songs. I hate backseats of cars. I hate target. I hate best buy. I hate lowes. I hate toys r us. I hate walnut creek. I hate chicken and waffles. I hate jigglypuff. I hate my hair. I hate scars. I hate promises. I hate nighttime. I hate waking up in the morning. I hate time. I hate memories. I hate love. I hate crying. I hate missing you. I hate loving you. I hate me. I hate me for letting you walk out of my life. I’m sorry I messed up. I’m sorry I pushed you away. I’m sorry I wasn’t enough. I need you. I miss you. I fucking miss you. I love you. I love you for being in my life. I love you for making me feel special. I hate you for leaving. I hate you for breaking me. I hate this so fucking much. 

Lost

I don’t know what I’m doing. It seems as though I have lost myself. In the midst of this, I have lost you too.

Everything happens for a reason. 

There’s a bigger and better plan for you.

It’s his loss.

He’s not worth crying over.

It’s going to get better in time.

Bullshit. I feed myself this bullshit every day and I’m still hurting. I don’t blame you though. I blame myself for falling too hard, for expecting too much, for thinking I was worthy enough to be in a relationship. Sure I’m being hard on myself but why sugar coat the truth? It’s hard to accept the fact that there isn’t an “us” anymore. There’s a part of me that understands the circumstances of why we might not have worked out but most of me just needs you in my life. I don’t want to sound naive or foolish but losing you is by far the hardest thing I have had to go through. I don’t mean to be desperate, but I need you. I’m not saying that I’m dependent on you for happiness but I’m saying that you were the greatest blessing to me and I was stupid enough to let you go. I understand that technically, you felt that it wasn’t right for us to be together but maybe if I did things differently, you would still want me in your life. I tried to make you see that I was willing to work things out, but I guess you weren’t thinking the same. So now I’m stuck on this ride that I don’t want to be on. 

"Good Morning"
“How was your day?”
“Be careful”
“Text me when you get home so I know you’re safe”
“Sweet dreams”
“How are you?”
“I hope you’re feeling better”
“Have a good day today!”
“I miss you”
“Good night”
“Can you come over?”
“Can I come over?”
“Can I see you?”
“Can I call you?”
“You’re beautiful”
“Want something to drink?”
“Watch your step”
“Let’s watch a movie”
“What are you up to?”
“How is your day so far?”
“It will be okay”
“I’m here for you”
“Do you need anything?”
“Are you hungry?”
“I just wanted to hear your voice”
“You just made my day”

You don’t have to hear “I Love You” to know that someone does. Listen carefully. People speak from the heart more often than you think.